Are you entering college the same time your boyfriend is entering basic training? Are you nervous about the future? Do you feel disconnected between your next step in life and your future with him? You’re not alone!
This picture is of us, Justin and me, in Maine the summer following our graduation from high school. I love this picture, because this trip was one of our first big adventures together. In about 4 weeks I’d be leaving for college. In about 6 weeks after that he’d be leaving for Air Force basic training.
It Sucks Starting Your Next Step Without Him
My first few weeks in college were subverted with the knowledge that Justin was leaving for Air Force basic training very soon. We had been dating since February of our senior year of high school. I knew he was entering the military before we had even started dating, but I didn’t know how much he would mean to me in such a short amount of time.
When he left for basic training in September he had become my very best friend and the biggest person in my support system. During the few months he was in basic training I went through a myriad of emotions, his leaving combined with the stresses and transitions of college left me drained.
I had so many questions and little to no way to find answers.
I spent countless nights googling new thoughts that popped into my head. How much would I get to see him during the next four years? How does basic training change a person? Is marriage the best option for the both of us?
Uncertainly really sucks, especially when there are no concrete answers. During an earned phone call while in basic training, Justin called me, and we were able to talk for about 10 minutes. It was then he asked me if we shouldn’t move up marriage plans to sooner rather than later.
My first response was yes. And it’s continued to be yes. At that point in my life, I was considering moving colleges when he got to his first base, so I could be near him again. I thought about it for a while and asked a lot of people their opinions and got a lot of much needed advice.
When he came home for Christmas Exodus while in Tech School we talked more about it and decided to give it a year and see how it went. Well, a year has come and gone, and I’ve decided to finish my degree where I’m at while he starts his Air Force career.
He's Just Left for Basic Training – Now What?!
You’re sitting alone in your dorm room worrying and wondering about your SO who has just arrived at basic training. Your roommate isn’t there and you don’t have any close friends to talk to yet, so you sit alone, feeling downright helpless because the one person you want to talk to most in the world is gone. If you feel alone, just know you aren’t.
I have been where you’re sitting, crying my eyes out on my bed, afraid of the future. You may feel alone, but you aren’t.
There are many different sources you can use to connect with other people who are experiencing the same feelings as you are, or even people who can simply sympathize with you.
What You Can Do While He’s in Basic Training:
- One of the things that really sucked about getting one letter a week is that I never knew what he was doing during the day, how he was feeling, if he was ok. What really helped me cope with not knowing was thisYouTube channel. By going over the entire Airforce BMT experience week by week over a series of nine vlogs, I felt better knowing what Justin might’ve been up to.
- This website is a great resource too, for information regarding Air Force graduation. The AF WingMom’s also have a Facebook page that can connect you to other people who have a loved one in your SO’s BMT Flight. It’s just nice being connected to a group of people who are going through the same things you are.
- If you are considering getting married to your SO, remember YOU can talk to his recruiter. Recruiters are there for the future military men and their families. YOU are family to your service member. YOU have a space in his life even if you aren’t engaged or married.
- Trust your support system. This is the time to call your mom, or to simply reach out to another trusted, loved one. You can also reach out and talk to other people about what you’re going through. At my college, I was able to find a girl who had a boyfriend going through Marine Corps bootcamp just by asking her about her Marine Corps keychain. If you own any military gear, now is the time to wear it. Start a conversation with people you see wearing or sporting some type of military gear. There are a lot of people going through the same things you are, but you’d never know unless you ask.
- Enjoy and explore during this time while your SO is in basic training. Sometimes, I didn’t think going out and having new experiences was worth it because I wasn’t experiencing them with Justin. This was only stunting my growth. So, get out and explore! If your roommate or new acquaintance asks you to join them in an activity, join them! Talk to new people, try something new! If nothing else, your adventure might make an interesting letter you can send to your SO.
He’s Graduating from Basic Training – How Has He Changed?
Any graduation is a special time, but military graduations are probably the most special of all. You haven’t spoken or seen your SO in weeks. You’re probably nervous because you figure the strict military routine has changed them, right? You might wonder if they’ve changed so much they’re unrecognizable. You might worry that you’ve changed so much that you’re unrecognizable.
I’m telling you, there is no need to be worried about any of that.
Meeting Justin again after a very transformative 7 weeks was exhilarating. We were both a little shy at first towards one another. I was looking for ways BMT changed him. And honestly, the only things that changed were 1) He took way too long checking to see if he could cross a street 2) He had gained some much-needed weight and 3) There was much more confidence in him than before he left. He was still the same Justin I had watched board a bus in September, all the good parts of him were still there.
Reality Check – What Sacrifices are You Willing to Make?
After graduation, the dream is to get married, have a house together, and while he goes to his military job you start your career, right? But what you may start to realize is that is just a dream and not reality. Even though your service member will always have a guaranteed job, you won’t. You might be feeling anxious, or even angry about this. Why do you need to give up on the hopes of having a developed career to follow him around the country?
Very soon, I am going to graduate and get married sometime after that. Although I will have a degree, I won’t have job security. For women and men who are married to a military member there are a lot of sacrifices you’re going to make. I won’t get to choose where I get to live, I’ll be far from my family, and my own career may have to be put on hold for his. I am still figuring some things out, but I know I am not alone in my struggles.
I’ve talked to other women have been married to military men. One woman told me she hated putting her address on job applications because they’d see the military address and know she might not be around for the long term. She said it felt like a form of discrimination. While I was working last summer, I met a woman who dropped out of school to marry her Airman. Although there’s a university nearby, she hasn’t tried to go back to school for a degree. She’s focused on being married and her work.
Although I don’t have guaranteed job security, I know I am better off pursuing my degree and getting married later. I’m looking for jobs I can work at remotely, ways to help me develop myself without giving up my career for love. You can continue your degree and get married later too. Your life doesn’t need to be put on hold for his. He signed a military contract, you did not.
Keep in mind too, military life may not be for you. There is a girl I went to high school with who was dating a boy who went into the Marine Corps. She started to plan her life around his but later realized being a Marine Corps wife wasn’t for her. And you know what? She’s still in school, has a new boyfriend, and seems to be pretty happy. Even if you decide being a military wife isn’t for you, your world won’t end if you break up.
So, Now What?
Here we are again. This was last May on his base. I love this picture, because it speaks to the biggest adventure we've been on together.
Life isn’t a fairytale, but sometimes you can feel like it's pretty close to one. In a couple of months I will graduate college with my bachelor’s degree. In a couple of months I’m moving in with him. In only a couple of months all I have worked for in the past three years will come to completion.
And afterward those couple of months? I’m going to keep on working.
I’ve accepted there are compromise I’m going to have to make to ensure my relationship will work, compromises Justin is going to have to make too. Together, we’ve made it through the difficulty of long distance. Our relationship is much stronger because of it.
Overall, although it has been hard, I’m glad I took these three years for myself and my education. There are times when I’ve felt alone and lost, but I've had so many more moments of gratitude, learning, and wonder which makes up for those times. I just know, at the end of the day, the happiness I’ll feel when I have my diploma in my hands will be worth it.